Saturday
Sitting in the music department listening to Kent. Have had some visits from friends, trying to have a calm day where the focus is taken away from the pressure and directed towards the beauty of the day.
I went for a run this morning, I pushed myself too hard. I could feel the taste of blood in my mouth but I couldn't stop. I don't know why I did that. But I had to, I had to see where my limit was. I didn't find it. I found the river instead, and my run became a jog. Looking at the river, looking at the leaves, and wondering where on the way here I lost myself. I have no idea who I am doing things for any longer. Is it for my own sake, am I reading to satisfy my own need for knowledge or is it because I am supposed to? The worst part is, that I know that I didn't want to study. I know that my heart and head wanted a break from all this. I wanted to get some work experience and realize that this is what I am burning for, that this is my call. I would probably have made the same decision, but I would feel more certain about it. I don't regret it, it is not that. I just don't see what use I am to the world right now. When I say to the world I mean to my surrounding. I keep on questioning if my existence makes a difference to anything and anyone. I guess I feel overwhelmed with the greatness of the world and how tiny and pointless my existence and place in the whole thing is. Or we can change the terminology and just say that I am feeling humble.
However, my mind is rather pleased.
Tonight I am going to light my candles for you, all of you that are not with me any longer, all of you that I loved and lost, but I am ever so happy that I got to meet, got to share your love. I am doing my best to keep your memory alive.
Monday
The weekend is over. It was a long weekend, and I cannot really make sense out of it. Of course I managed to have one night where I don't remember anything. Perfect. I am ashamed.
Also managed to have a pretty perfect night too, but I don't know what to make of it. Maybe that is what I should do, not make anything out of it. How about appreciating what I have? Yeah, that is an option but won't happen.
You know when you wish you could read people's minds, as they clearly fail to say what they actually mean to you? That's the stage I am in. I don't understand why it is so hard to share the truth. Wrong, I do understand but I feel like it is worth the effort. I don't know where to place my effort. Ugh, guess confusion is a part of growing older and wiser.