Saturday
Sitting in the music department listening to Kent. Have had some visits from friends, trying to have a calm day where the focus is taken away from the pressure and directed towards the beauty of the day.
I went for a run this morning, I pushed myself too hard. I could feel the taste of blood in my mouth but I couldn't stop. I don't know why I did that. But I had to, I had to see where my limit was. I didn't find it. I found the river instead, and my run became a jog. Looking at the river, looking at the leaves, and wondering where on the way here I lost myself. I have no idea who I am doing things for any longer. Is it for my own sake, am I reading to satisfy my own need for knowledge or is it because I am supposed to? The worst part is, that I know that I didn't want to study. I know that my heart and head wanted a break from all this. I wanted to get some work experience and realize that this is what I am burning for, that this is my call. I would probably have made the same decision, but I would feel more certain about it. I don't regret it, it is not that. I just don't see what use I am to the world right now. When I say to the world I mean to my surrounding. I keep on questioning if my existence makes a difference to anything and anyone. I guess I feel overwhelmed with the greatness of the world and how tiny and pointless my existence and place in the whole thing is. Or we can change the terminology and just say that I am feeling humble.
However, my mind is rather pleased.
Tonight I am going to light my candles for you, all of you that are not with me any longer, all of you that I loved and lost, but I am ever so happy that I got to meet, got to share your love. I am doing my best to keep your memory alive.
Monday
The weekend is over. It was a long weekend, and I cannot really make sense out of it. Of course I managed to have one night where I don't remember anything. Perfect. I am ashamed.
Also managed to have a pretty perfect night too, but I don't know what to make of it. Maybe that is what I should do, not make anything out of it. How about appreciating what I have? Yeah, that is an option but won't happen.
You know when you wish you could read people's minds, as they clearly fail to say what they actually mean to you? That's the stage I am in. I don't understand why it is so hard to share the truth. Wrong, I do understand but I feel like it is worth the effort. I don't know where to place my effort. Ugh, guess confusion is a part of growing older and wiser.
Wednesday
Today I got familiarized with the American hospitals. It was, besides the fact that I had to go there, a rather pleasant experience. I came there, they started running tests on me and decided that morphine was the way to go about it. So I am now on drugs once again. Most people that know me knows my stance on painkiller and similar, they also know about my frustration about antibiotics. At the moment, I have both morphine and ibuprofen in my body in higher doses than I have ever had before in my life. At least I am not in pain any longer. I also decided to steal the scrub from the hospital as I needed something to dress up in for tonight. So, how about being a semi crazy person? Because that is different from normal. Oh well, hopefully my abdomen decides to be less painful tomorrow.
Oh, and Carolyn is the bestest thing in the world
Tuesday
Soon it will be tomorrow, and tomorrow by this time, this one will be rather happy. No work to think about for at least two days. At home, they are getting all of week 44 off, which is November 1st and onwards. I lose the concepts of weeks when I am here, as it is not used at all. When I came home over the summer I had no clue what week it was and made life rather difficult.
So I had tons of thoughts that I had planned on sharing, but then I realized that I cannot do that. Mainly because some of them might be seen as a remark on people's behavior. I guess it is that too in some sense, but that is not the primary reason for me blogging. Right now I am trying to overcome this huge fear of mine, and I am failing. Mainly because I indirectly, insanely indirectly, asked for help and didn't receive it. It is totally my own fault, as I didn't dare to be direct. Yeah, sometimes my bluntness fails me. It doesn't happen that often, but when I have to get personal or share something that is of importance I get just as shy and scared as anyone else. The fear of rejection. There is no thread in this post, no topic. My head doesn't think like that at the moment. I think I am going on some kind of back-up power right now.
Sunday
I am supposed to write an essay but my fingers don't feel like typing words that would be coherent to the topic I am writing on so I gave up. No, I am actually just taking a day long break from doing anything constructive. I need to become more productive during weekends. There are so many things that I need to get more perspective on. I should not be partying away my tuition. That does not make sense. It is not the most intelligent choice I can make right now I feel like.
I had a good Saturday. I started off by some door-knocking for the DFL and then we went to the Dayton rally to see the President. Came back, watched the football game and then I chilled with my girls. It was wonderful.
During the President's talk, I was standing next to a girl who is 25 years old and has two kids. She is in school and she told me about the things that she does to provide for her kids in the best way possible. Her story was amazing, and it didn't matter that I had the President of the USA standing in front of me, I much rather play with the kid she had with her and listen to the words of reality that she had to tell. Her youngest girl is 17 months and her oldest daughter is three. I felt so humble listening to her. She is studying, organizing civic events and taking care of two kids at the same time, I don't have any right complain. My problems are luxury problems.
This was a night filled with guitar playing and singing, a night with conversations about what you are, and what I want you to think that I am. I got the privilege to listen to your story. Thank you
Friday
Today has been one of those days where I would have preferred to not changed out of my sweatpants. But due to the fact that I find it disrespectful to my professors to not be properly dressed, I wore jeans. Of some reason my appearance and I were not friends today. You know when that happens, normally you have a standard of procedures that you do before you leave your home, but I just didn't do that today. I guess no one noticed anyhow.
I want to cut off my hair. I was sure that I wanted to cut off my hair. But then I thought about it again, and I want a change. I don't think that the change that I am looking for can be accomplished through cutting of my hair. It is probably deeper than that. Changing my looks will be a temporary solution, but then I will be sitting here again in a month or so, still feeling like I want something else from life.
Tonight I am going to study, a calm Friday. Tomorrow I am going to volunteer and then go and see the President. I am looking forward to it so much. I want to hear him speak. When I get home, I will be able to say that I have seen the President. Both the President and the vice President in one month, pretty impressive, don't you think?
Sunday
I haven't finished my essay, I am out of licorice, I just got informed that I wasted 30 hours preparing a concert for nothing, I have a pressure over my chest that makes it hard to breathe, I forgot that emotions do have impact on my life, I forgot how much it hurts to trust someone. I forgot that I cannot control all the aspects of my life as my life is a part of other peoples lives too. I forgot that I cannot hide anywhere any longer, that I have to face the consequences of my own decisions. I forgot that I don't know how to deal with drama, how to deal irrationality, how to deal with changing my plans in the last minute. I forgot how much I dislike people that cannot face the truth, that don't dare to be upfront, that are scared of words and tries to hide it in apologetic action. I forgot that what I value is not universally considered valuable. Then I remembered that in my life, the only one that I can make sure is feeling good and know how to improve the life of, is myself. I can only be happy if I let myself be happy. I cannot put my life in other peoples hands. But at the same time, I want to let go. Let go of the rigid plan that is my life, let go of the chains that ties me to conformity, let go of my mind and let someone else in. Be able to welcome a new world into mine, be able to share my world with you. Please don't give up.
You Want Me to Fall Against Something You Made Yours, but if You want Me to Fall, then there should be Space to Fall Freely
Friday
Islamic civilizations, a class that I haven't grasped yet. I think I will soon though. Hopefully.
After that, my weekend started. I went to Tea Garden with Lora and Grace to shake the stress off and to realize that I can relax now. The rest of my evening was spent with Brandon, catching up and having dinner. After three hours of conversation I am now seated in front of my computer thinking about what I want with life. I know that it is Friday evening and that I am expected to do something "fun", but I have had such a nice day until now that I don't need anything else. Today was close to a perfect day. It is like all the parts of life that I appreciate have been addressed. I am content. Today is one of those days when I know I made the right choice in coming to America.
Actually, I have had a really good semester so far. It has been stressful, as always, but I feel like I have gotten to see more of the place that I am living in, that I have grown more independent and more responsible ( which I think has a lot to do with me living in an apartment and finally can make my own food and routines). I still cannot detach from my family though. I have this urge of going home, seeing them again. I want to be able to see them more often. That is the only thing that I lack. Everything else I can deal with, but being without my family is difficult. There is this song that in Swedish is called My family and the chorus goes like this
My family, that's the ones that wants to belong together, be there for each other, strong and true, here water is as thick as blood. One family, like a big house, no limits and no end.
I don't know if that makes sense in English, but that is not how I feel. I need to see my blood relatives too.
Though at the moment I am content. Happy Friday
Thursday - Carolyn McBride
I am not a person that cries, that enjoys drama, or creates too much of it either. I can be rather difficult to be around due to my capacity of talking before thinking. Some things I guess should be remain unsaid, but I am not that good at that. If someone asks for an opinion I will share mine. Most of the time, not always. Being my friend is something that I would call challenging. I wish that I could express more feelings when it comes to the people that are close to me. There is a lot of baggage to me, like it is to most people.
Moving to another country, on the other side of the world can be rather challenging. It was for sure a cultural shock. I recognized some of it, but the adjustments that I had to made were huge. Starting up a new life takes time. It also took some time until I found you, Coraline. Carolyn McBride is the most beautiful being on this entire earth. I am not saying that because she is my friend, I thought so way before we became close friends. Her face is divine, and so photogenic. I must say that I sometimes feel a bit awkward being in the same picture as she, as I feel like I am ruining it. Carolyn McBride is no drama. Carolyn McBride will host me in her room when I cannot go back to my apartment. She will feed me and medicate me if I need to. She would look at me for an hour changing clothes if I wanted her to. Carolyn McBride is independence, love and caring. She is ok with me being weird and antisocial, doesn't take offense when I have my moments. She visits me when I need her. She compliments me when I need it the most, and when I don't need it at all. Carolyn McBride is a confidence boost that I don't know if I would ever want to be without again. She is support, logic and appreciation. She is a million nicknames.
We took our time, getting to know each other. Now I know you, and you know me. I feel safe, which I rarely do. I now I am writing this, as I don't know in what other way I would be able to tell you how much you mean to me. In my American life, you are my rock. That's it. My love for you is pure and true.
Tuesday
20% of my population didn't vote. The different nazi parties kept their mandates in the municipalities and in some cases increased it. A right wing populist party gained 20 seats in parliament. They are now tie breakers. True, they will not get more power than the other parties are willing to give them, but this shows a mentality I did not expect from my fellow Swedes. Since when do we consider immigration being one of the biggest threats to our society? Guess what, we cannot do without it. We need it. IT IS ILLEGAL TO KEEP STATISTICS OF ETHNICITY OF CRIMINALS, hence no one knows the percentage of immigrants in our prisons. Besides, that is already a weak argument. I just don't understand this, choosing the easy solution, discriminating against a group that needs our support.
Swedes, you are citizens of a country that is rich and tolerant, that is built upon diversity. You can afford some utilitarianism.
I hope the 5.7% of our population that voted for a party that claim that if you believe in Islam, you cannot become Swedish realize that this is outrageous and wrong.. Stop acting like uneducated extremists. I am ashamed. This is not a sign of growing patriotism, it is a sign of intolerance and fear. Weakness that is.
Swedes, you are citizens of a country that is rich and tolerant, that is built upon diversity. You can afford some utilitarianism.
I hope the 5.7% of our population that voted for a party that claim that if you believe in Islam, you cannot become Swedish realize that this is outrageous and wrong.. Stop acting like uneducated extremists. I am ashamed. This is not a sign of growing patriotism, it is a sign of intolerance and fear. Weakness that is.
Thursday - I am tired of SD
Election day on Sunday. I am nervous. Really nervous. I felt that it is about time that I comment on the election. I guess it is not that much of a deal if the party, or parties, that I voted for win or not. What has been striking me throughout this whole campaign is the lack of knowledge among the population. The politicians can make up statistics and get away with it without anyone questioning them.
Though what scares me the most are the Swedish Democrats. This is a former racist party that in one sense have abandoned their old standards, but there are hints of them everywhere in their program. The people that vote for this party are mainly men with lower education. People that believe that we spend more than 50 billion SKr on immigrants, that think that all immigrants live on the social welfare instead of getting jobs, that honestly believes that immigrants commit most of the crimes. They want to preserve the Swedish culture, and the family.
This is not the reality. This is not the way Sweden looks like. I don't understand how people can actually think like this. Trying to find an easy solution to the financial problems? Guess what, there is none..
Immigration, due to Sweden not having any kind of assimilation policy, cannot be that expensive. Maximum 1 billion SKr, which I guess would translate to 130 million USD. If looking at a budget of a country, that is not a huge expense. Social welfare, something that is well needed in fiscal crisis. It is a known fact that it is harder to get employed in Sweden with a last name that sounds foreign (read: middle eastern). I strongly oppose the idea that immigrants should be less prone to work than Swedes. That is not our reality.
Imagine the single parents instead with many kids. There you will have people that are in need of Social welfare, even if they have jobs.
Sweden is communal, we have a welfare system. For that to work, we need people and companies to pay taxes. What do you think would be more expensive for the system, physical abuse or not paying your taxes correctly? Any kind of larger fraud against the State is something that will decrease our welfare. I want to believe that we have some kind of utilitarianism left in our minds. Meaning don't do what is best for me or for you, but for all of us. If this does not suit you, then leave so that the tax payers don't have to take care of your medical bills. (Note: the people that try to avoid paying taxes are normally not the people with low income as they cannot trick the system. For this to work you will need to either have your own company or some other way of getting lower tax on your income)
Basically, immigrants are not parasitizing on our system at all in comparison to the Swedes.
It is not bad to pay taxes, without them there is no way that the welfare system would ever be able to work. I don't think anyone thinks that it is in the people's best interest to decrease our welfare. Because that would be dumb. We cannot keep our high standard of living if we decrease taxes. That equation is not balanced.
Please, vote responsibly on Sunday, meaning vote for a party that know what a budget is, hence not the Swedish Democrats. I don't want to be ashamed over my country. Thanks
Sunday
Sunday evening, my least favorite part of the week. Sitting in my room listening to Pink Floyd and drinking tea. It sounds cozy, but I just want it to end. I want to fall asleep and wake up tomorrow with the sun in my face and go for a heavy work out. Forget about life for a while, get my thoughts off your death for some time. I tried yesterday to drink more than I should. It ended up in catastrophe so I don't think I will do that again. From now on I will do music therapy and work out to get my mind off things. I hope that will work better.
I will also try to get out of the apartment. It is difficult, as I feel so comfortable here. It is actually becoming a home. The decorations are soon all up on the wall.
I watched my first game of American football yesterday. It was definitely an experience. But I didn't get everything. I wished I could have had some kind of remote control to pause the game occasionally and rewind when I needed to understand what was going on out there. There is a game next Saturday too, I will drag someone with me to that and hopefully it will explain even more.
Tomorrow I will see if I can find myself a jazz combo to sing with. It would be pretty awesome if there was one. I want to sing still, but I need a different platform than choir. I feel like I cannot use my potential within choir. Now I am rambling. Now I shall sleep.
Tuesday
I am sitting in the couch in my new living room. The view from here is over Grand Avenue, not the most flattering one but it is a view, there are real windows. In my previous room there was nothing to be called a view, as the windows were not more than a feet wide and two giant beds covered them. Now I have natural light, an open kitchen and a room with three windows. One problem, that isn't really a problem, is that one of the windows looks at on Ramsey Junior High, meaning that I guess I will have to be a bit careful with nudity. Oh well, that is not really a big deal.
I was a bit hesitant about returning to the States.. Mainly as I always manage to grow way too fond of Sweden when I am there. It agonizes me to leave people behind. This is the fourth time, and it hurts just as much to see the sadness in their eyes. I know that life will go on as normal without me, but I keep on wondering what chances I am missing by not being there. My sister changes so fast, I can almost not keep up with her. Guess that is a part of being a teenager, though I would love to be able to follow her every move.
Meeting all my friends here was amazing. There are still some people that I have yet to meet, but so far I have been enjoying myself. I visited my host family yesterday and had brunch. They showed me pictures from their trip to Scandinavia and my old school. My old school.. I don't know if I will ever go back, but when I saw those pictures it made me want to see it once more. Though there is nothing left for me there. I don't know anyone at the school and my teachers are not there any longer. Or, some are but the ones that meant the most for me are not.
I am listening to my flat mates alarms now, soon the apartment will be alive again.
Wednesday
Babybro, what will happen when I leave you here. You are an adult now, but in my eyes you are still a kid. You still act like a kid. Babybro, I know it's hard to grow up and find yourself, and sometimes realizing you are someone else than the person you thought you were. Changing friends, school, deciding on your future, studying, practicing whatever martial art it is that you are doing. Babybro, don't hurry the process. It will work out, sooner or later. Don't force it. Face your conflicts, don't take more of them than you have to. Make the best out of your situation. Don't reach for the stars that you cannot see. Learn how to walk first. Babybro, I love you to pieces. Stop screwing things up, I get worried. I want to protect you, save you from the big monsters of the grown up world. I cannot do that on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, so I will have to trust your judgment to do the right thing. I will never be disappointed. Please, calm down and it will all work out for the best.
Love
Your big Sister
Monday
It struck me hard, harder than I thought. I do realize that the blow will be even harder when I arrive in MN again in about three weeks.
I have worked a lot the past two months. In the beginning, I saw it as a way to earn money and getting some experience with having a real job. Working with home care service is not only a real job, it is a tough one too. My salary in USD will be considered pretty good, but here in Sweden it is a low income job with a high price to pay for it. This weekend I worked 23 hours, which means that I was on my feet for 23 hours helping people in their homes with things they cannot do for themselves. The heaviest things I guess would be taking care of when people forgot or didn't feel that they needed to go to the bathroom. Showering people that cannot stand properly was also pretty hard, physically at least. Physically, it was draining over all. I have been sleeping so well the past months, as exhaustion is the only word that can describe my condition when I got home from work. Maybe it wasn't all physical, some things were psychological too.
All the lonely widows, the people with dementia and other disorders that I talked to taught me a lot. It actually took me a while to realize how human they were, and how much they liked having me there to help them. I guess it was even worse with people that were mentally well but their bodies had given up on them, meaning that they were trapped in their own bodies. Of course that breaks you down, how could it do something else?
I liked working. I liked talking with people and making them smile. Sometimes I was the only human contact they would get throughout the day.
When I said goodbye yesterday, some got pretty sentimental. One man told me that he always longed for my visits, then he took his accordion and played me a song. He looked sad, but I assured him I would be back next year again. Another woman said that it was a long time since she met someone that had given her so much hope. I almost started crying. Another lady gave me candy, and said she hoped to be alive one more year to see me again. A couple that I visited said that it didn't matter if I worked there, I could come and visit them anyhow as it is so nice to see me.
The lady I visited the most asked me why I didn't start working there, and then she said that she never got a daughter herself, and that she is so glad that I and the other girls come to her, that we are her daughters. Then, she gave me chocolate and a kiss on the cheek.
I liked my work. I think I learned a lot from it, it is a perfect way of showing the Swedish communal mentality. It is a part of the beauty of our welfare system. I am proud over changing their diapers and cleaning their mess, I did something that has an impact on peoples lives, and I did it good.
Thursday
It is still there, that unfamiliar feeling. I don't know what it is or how to deal with it. I am distancing myself from whatever it is. I cannot eat without feeling nauseous, cannot sleep properly.
To my fortune, I have some really great friends and family. Eddie saved me big time when I got to hear about the accident. He picked me up and brought me with him home. He held me so that I would stop shaking, he tucked me in and hugged me, trying to create the comfort needed to fall asleep. Without him, the nervous breakdown would have been a fact. Been talking to Sofia a lot, and my sister. My grandmother too, they all show empathy but are letting me deal with it my way.
In a sense, I have no idea that he is gone yet. Alex was not a part of my Swedish life. He was a part of my life at Macalester. I am fearing the day when I will enter the classroom where I know he should have been and not seeing him there. I feel selfish in a way. Grief is selfish. But at the moment, I have no idea what else to do than to share my thoughts with the world. There are so many of them.. I wish I had one of those things that Dumbledore has, where he extracts his thoughts so that he doesn't have to have them flying around in his head.
My thoughts are still with Alex near and dear ones, I wish you all strength in this difficult time.
Wednesday, Dear Friend
Yesterday I lost my breath, and I haven't found a way to catch it yet. Yesterday, I got to know that a very dear friend of mine has passed away.
The first time I listened to him talk, he talked too fast for me to understand. I thought he looked a bit like the bees in Donald Duck, he blushed when he spoke in front of the class, and he used words that were beyond my understanding. As I had so many classes with him, it was inevitable not to speak with him. He had such a different way of viewing the world than I had. He kept on telling me that the ultimate model for a state would be to be as Finland.. Not that intelligent to tell a Swede such a thing, but he kept on arguing for his cause and he had done his homework. He claimed to be a socialist, we had many beautiful discussions over different issues, and he always surprised me with his approach - it wasn't hyped or too idealistic. It felt a bit naive of course, but it was true.
We had study sessions in his room, we usually sat down for a while and went through notes together and then we talked. He told me about his family, especially about his brother. He showed pictures and he really wanted me to meet his dog, while I wanted him to meet my sister.
I had bad days, he always made me feel better about myself. He didn't like working in Café Mac, as it was degrading and he resented the cap they had to wear. I used to sit and stare at him and then go and compliment his beauty.
His nasal voice, the freckles, the curious brown eyes. Messy brown hair, the accent, the slang..
I cannot close my eyes without seeing him, I hear his laughter in my head. There are so many beautiful memories, and so much happiness that I have shared with you; you were a big part of my life at Macalester, and now I am supposed to understand that you will not be there when I get back. I have not grasped it yet, not at all.
My body is shaking, I cannot eat nor sleep. I cannot cry, as I haven't realized that you are gone.
Alex Willis, my heart beats for you. I will miss you so darn much. Thank you for all the beauty you added to my life
Monday
Sitting in my bed with the fan standing on the chair next to me. It is so effin hot. I am trying to survive over here but it is difficult. Had to do a lot of heavy lifting today at work so I am feeling pretty exhausted. My friend who promised to take me swimming has postponed it to later this evening. I don't know if I can take it. Nah, it is not that bad. If I take cold showers every now and then it actually works out pretty well.
Went grocery shopping today. I feel so old when I do that. It must add on to my adult points. My family went on vacation up north, they are planning on walking in the mountains, in the heat. Stupid. Instead, I am at home earning money, feeling like an old person that cannot do anything as I am scared of getting a heat stroke.
What? No, not complaining at all..
Saturday
My body gave up, or gave in might be a more suiting expression. Now, there is just pain an tears. It wants me to sleep, to rest and let it store some energy for the coming week. A week that will be filled with more work and time with friends. My dad is turning older too. And, I need to solve my life.
An old friend visited me today. He got such a good memory when it comes to weird things that happened ages ago. It makes me smile. He know it all, everything that has ever happened in my life. I know a lot about him too. It is so comfortable, nothing to explain or change. We have accepted the other one - even though we are very very different. He is very opinionated against my choice of men. He wants me to choose someone who is more like him (more like him when he is sober that is), while I rarely understand his choice of girls as he keeps getting bored of them as he hasn't understood that he is intelligent.
When I get back from America, I am planning on marrying him. He will probably be the only one that can make me a normal human being and I am probably his chance to finally settle down a bit. Nah, that is not going to happen but in some way we have a good way of complementing each other. Monday will be here soon, more quality time for my friend and I