Wednesday
It's business time http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU. Meeting with my ex-roomies at the moment. In Oslo. It feels pretty good to finally be around people that knows me. Knows me in a sense of knowing me completely. I can just sit in the couch and everything is normal. Now we are laughing at Norwegian names. And now anabolic steroids used in Wester Sahara to increase the size of women's thighs and arms, but decrease the size of their boobs. These were apparently used on cows. Ehm. Sick.
Sunday
Something is seriously wrong. I am not like this. I am pathetic. I woke up this morning and wanted to throw up on myself. It is so wrong, not what I do, not how I roll - to put it that way. I am rational, this is stupid. I wake up with the same thought, fall asleep thinking about it, recall my dreams occasionally during the day. PLEASE SHOOT ME, SOMEONE? Ok, not serious on that one. Hello Amelie, welcome to the world of emotions. Can I leave now? Please? " No, you are going to be kept here until you do something about it. This is a punishment for ignoring you feelings from every person you met in your life." That, my dear Brain, is an overstatement. I am so much more emotional than some people. Promise.
You see, dear readers, I am going insane. Hopefully this is just a phase.
Syster
Friday
Juldagen, today is the day when you are just not doing anything, just walking around digesting all the weird things that you ate and drank last night. Yesterday went so much better than usual when my family gathers. I had a lot of fun. My youngest (and only real) cousin was stunned by our Yule tree (which I decorated). He stood looking at it for 2 minutes solid, without moving, normally this young man cannot be still for longer than 2 seconds tops. He was "the little yule elf", and I don't think there was a minute that went by without him telling me so. Apparently he missed me when I was away, my grandma told me that everytime he came to visit her he needed to listen to my recordings. I felt sort of sorry for her, the quality of them are not anything to brag about.
This might have been the last Yule we had together, all of us. The grandparents are getting old. It was close to difficult being around them, as it was so obvious that they did not enjoy being here. Not in the sense that they don't like us, more that they cannot follow conversations due to bad hearing and such. When always being away for something like half a year at the time, the differences in their mental state become very apparent, as there is no way that I can see the transitions..
So, today my sister and I made our hair look pretty. When she washed my hair in the tub I started laughing hysterically. I am not that ticklish normally, but this was insane. I got more wet than my hair. Or no, exaggerating on that one but it was ridiculous. I blame my parents and my new american friends for not hugging me enough, I am not used to physical contact any longer so everything becomes much more intense. I promise that is how it is.
Gonna take an easy night I think, just because I need this time with my family. They are quite nice to be around.
Wednesday
The day before Yule-eve.. Used to be filled be such excitement, it is now gone. Far gone. My mom asked for a wish-list a couple of weeks ago and the only thing that I really wanted was woolen socks. From my siblings I asked if they could take a good picture of them that I could put on my wall. I hope I get that, because it would mean a lot to me to have a picture of them, which they took out of free will, to put up. They are what I miss the most when am away. There is something special with siblings, they know you in a way that cannot be compared to friends. I don't need to prove anything to them, they are forced to love me sort of. Or, not really but I would have to mess up pretty badly for them to leave my side.
Tomorrow my whole family will be here. I don't know how I feel about that.
It feels weird, but I actually miss people from Macalester. I didn't think that I would do so. I normally don't. Props to you people then, I guess, for actually having emotional impact on me.
Sunday
Woke up when my dad came to give me a cafe latte, had breakfast, went to visit my grandparents. I am so happy right now. It feels just like it used to. All my friends are either out of town or have moved, which is a bit sad but I think I can manage.
I went skiing today. I failed, miserably. I considered giving up my Nordicness for a while, but then I figured that I am too much of a strong headed viking to do so, and decided to go skiing tomorrow again instead, to get the technique back. I bet my dad had fun watching me. Tomorrow I am going to show those skis who is the master.. or something like that. Probably they will show me how hard snow can feel if you fall on it. It will even out in the end.
Baked yesterday. Gingerbread cookies. They are called pepper cookies in Swedish. Not that they really contain a significant amount of either of those ingredients to be named after them. The result of my baking was astonishing. I felt like a housewife for a while, and considered giving up my studies to pursue a career as a housewife instead. Then I figured that my soul will leave me if I do so. So I decided against that decision. Now I will go to bed early and wake up tomorrow to go for a run. If my legs are not too sore from falling in the snow today.
Saturday
I am at home since 40 hours back. It is awesome. There is snow everywhere, my whole family is at home and we are making yule-goodies. Me so happy. I have had liquorice, avocado, real cottage cheese, loads of coffee, my shower, my room, my bathroom. I don't think I ever been this happy to have my own bathroom again. I have my dad, and my mom. My sister and my brother. I will meet up with my friends later on. At the moment, I am still a bit jet-lagged, if that is a word, tried to not sleep during the day yesterday to minimize the damage, but took a very long nap this afternoon so I think I might have fixed the sleeping pattern. Or messed it up completely. All the hugs, I am so happy for all the hugs. The only problem now is, what am I supposed to do until the 21st of January? All my friends are either out of town/studying/working. I have no schoolwork, and it is insanely cold outside so it is difficult to run. Oh well, I will find a way to manage the time, I am sure. My kitchen is calling. I will have to respond
Tuesday
Just watched Invictus - awesome movie. Morgan Freeman played Nelson Mandela in his early years as SA's President, trying to unite a shattered country. Using rugby. Matt Daemon leading the SA team. It was beautiful. I was sincerely touched, but a bit bummed out of the simplicity of the whole thing. It did not really show all horrible things. But the message was pretty, and just about the amount of cheesiness that I need at the moment. Listening to Christmas music at the moment, feels good. I am done. I will soon go home. Relief.
Monday
Sitting talking to my sister. That happens quite open, I miss her a lot. Soon, on Thursday, I will leave and come home to my country, my people, my language, my family, my old life, my habits, my food. Pure love.
I could be happy to just breathe Swedish air..
Saturday
Rugger's Ball. I am not pumped. I don't know if I have the energy to do this. I need to wake up tomorrow morning and write a paper. I am going because I think my friends will hate me otherwise, talk about peer pressure.. Not the right reason. Oh well, time to get pretty. Tomorrow I have a study date with my roomie. That is going to be wonderful!
Thursday
It is very cold here. Something like -16 C. It is so wonderful. Now it is dark, but during the day the sun was shining. I figured I should start cross country skiing again. Then now it's dark, my decorative lights are on and I just finished the second essay of the day. Only one more to go before the weekend. Then loads to do during the weekend and after the weekend.
Sweden in one week. I don't miss it all that much. I don't miss anything that much. I am so scared of this habit I have developed of being content when I know that I could strive for more. I have set up some goals at least. The early New Year's vows that I made are still being kept. I am very proud of myself, yes.
Assumptions are not good. They don't give anyone anything. Sometimes a question can spare many people loads of trouble. There was this guy that thought I was coming on to him, and he another person who told me this. Talking about people behind their back's are not to recommend either, however that is not the point. The funky part of the story is that I think that he is the only person to think so. The rest of the world would rather say that I am rather miserable in his company and prefer to spend as little time as possible with him.
Conclusion: he could have talked to me and life would be good and we could all sing and dance together like children in a snow fight.
Actually, I tweaked out on it a bit. It's just so immature.
That was all I got today.
Wednesday
Tuesday
Had the most ridiculous final today. My professor said that it was going to be on everything we had been doing this term. And I have not done that great in that class, so I studied a lot. So, pretty nervous about the test - I find out that the professor is not there, that the test is one page long and that it takes like 20 minutes to do. Is he mocking me? Does he want me to suffer? Gaah, stupid sadist. Or no, I don't mean that. I mean, it definitely worked to my favour as I managed to get a fairly good score (I believe). Still have piles of work to finish. But Sweden is near, oh so near. I can soon smell it, hear it.
A break from here is needed. I need other people. New Year's in Oslo. There is so much love waiting.
Monday
Just came back from ballet, where my teacher said that finally my feet were doing as they should. Apparently they have been very stiff before. She managed to announce that very loud to the whole class. My feet are not used to getting that much attention and hence, started blushing. No, it wasn't that bad. And even if it was, it was not visible because I was wearing black socks.
I shall now study, have made some resolutions, a bit before new year's I know, but I thought it would be a good idea to start a bit beforehand to get a feeling for what I have to expect.
I am trying to come up with some kind of proposal for how to make the Vagina Monologues. Not a real one, but for a class. Reading these monologues make me think back of RCN. It was a while. I don't miss it. One of my favourite teachers are coming over later this week. I am really looking forward to that. He helped me through a lot. Reality will soon hit me in the back of my head if I don't start producing that music.
Sunday
I decided that I needed something new, a place where I can start over. Stupid says that I have changed a lot. I can see that now, I have changed a lot.
I wanna change even more tho. I need some kind of routine, order. I wanna find something solid, a stable point. No more changes, no more drama. I am done being a teenager and doing all that. I wanna eat nice food, be with friends, not party during the weekends, play rugby, dance, cuddle, sing. I wanna be with my family, have my own apartment, a place that is just mine.
I need space, and time to be with myself without having anyone else around. I need to be me. It doesn't work here. Or, I am me but I cannot be completely relaxed because I have roommates. I have to take them into consideration. I cannot make my own food, there are people that depend on me.
I am so ready to go home to Sweden again. I need to hug my dad.