Monday
Should I be happy for having a conscience or should I feel limited. People always talk about having a free mind. I try, I really do - but I proceed to be a product of the society that I live in, a society in which people do judge each other and certain values have been indoctrinated into my system ever since I was a kid. Oh yes, I am blaming the system for me feeling bad. The society, everything else but myself and my own actions are responsible for my behavior. No, I know that I was the one that screwed up. I know that I should have been using my judgment better. I also know that my head is exaggerating the whole situation.
I need a change. Now. It will happen, in fact it already started.
Sunday
I showered it away. The disgusting feeling of not being what I want. Of not standing up for the values that I adhere to, to letting myself down. No, I didn't do anything outrageous. I just have not listened to my mind for a while. Sometimes I don't understand my way of reasoning. Or lack thereof. I needed this kind of awakening I guess. Telling me that hey, you do have to respond to those signals in your body, they do effect your mood. It might just be yet one of those Sunday night depressions. See.. one more way in which I am trying to not face the facts. This is not good.
But the shower made me feel better. The disgust is almost gone and I napped with my favorite Kentuckian.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUsbpmQ9-mcSaturday
I did not wake up in my bed this morning. So this is what happened: I got suuuuper drunk and cannot remember anything from last night and there was this guy next to me that I really cannot recall falling asleep or going home with. Not. This is not what happened. Ehm, I did go out though.
.. and had a good night with my friends, my favorite Kentuckyan walked me home and put me to bed. I could have had all that, but something was on my mind that kept me from doing anything abnormal.
Oh, and my friends are amazing and I love this weekend
Wednesday
It feels more like Friday. Got two classes tomorrow, then there is a long weekend. I am definitely in need of a long weekend. even though the break was just one week ago or something. The weather is so amazing that I just want to be outside and enjoy it, but I should be writing on my projects. Get to work, Woman.. Tss.. not happening.
Had a very rewarding conversation yesterday with a floormate of mine. Discovered why I have been so unenthusiastic about love, and so obsessed with it at the same time. It is because I see it as something else. Love for me is the ability to share all those deep thoughts with someone, without being scared that the one who listens will turn away from you. It is to be able to cry in front of someone and feel like you are not being judged for showing that you cannot keep your facade all the time. It is about accepting flaws, and understanding that you don't have to be perfect - it will work out anyhow. It is about the pain of opening up, sharing what you didn't want to share, being able to trust even though it is hard. It is about inviting someone else to trust you, and work to keep the trust.
It is also the tingling feeling in your stomach, like the erratic flightpattern of butterflies. About letting go of the rationality that controls so much of our lives. About understanding that there is people out there that just wants to appreciate you, no catch, just pure appreciation and love.
Why then does love in movies and songs bug me so much? Because there is no way that it will ever be able to give justice to this beauty that I cannot even put words on. It just seem lame. Love is painfully beautiful. One of the social constructs that I am the most eager to take part of, to feel. Because if it would not be for the glorification in our society placed on the concept of love - I don't know if people would have such an urge to be just that, in love.