Monday
I don't like bathing. I tried today, and I don't like it at all. I just lie there, and I feel so pointless and after counting for how long I can keep my breath around ten times, I do get rather bored. So I decided to paint my nails red. It feels weird, as I never normally do anything to my nails. Or to anything.
Of some reason, I became scared of making myself too unnatural. I don't wear make up on a daily basis. I could never do that as I feel like I am not me. I don't do my nails. I would never dye my hair. At home, this makes me look different. It is not really what the norm would prescribe for me. Sometimes I do wonder if I made the right decision in becoming like this. I want to be able to look the way I do and still feel good about it. I don't. Very often, I feel like I am not trying enough, that I am not making myself look as good as I can. But then I fall back on the most logic statement there is, first that looks are not to be that important and second, it is rather silly to think that what is natural is not enough. Why is it even that important to me? I wish I could answer that. But I guess that the society sort of brought me up like this. It doesn't matter how much I try to deny the manufactured ideals, they are still there in the back of my mind. I would like to be greater than this. Would like to be able to say that I don't care. A future goal of mine I guess.
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