Wednesday
Music Library, Purple Rain. Wonderful.
So I have had two quests lately, one being trying to find out what eye colour I have, and why do people find me intimidating. I am 160 cm tall, or 5'3" for my American readers, which in any unit is well below average height. My English is not perfect, and I have a rather funky accent. I am blond, got a high-pitched voice.. I don't think that is something that makes me qualify for being called intimidating. So, a friend told me why I am intimidating:
"Because you are an attractive girl with confidence that speak your mind". Is that a compliment? Should I rather be silent and keep my thoughts to myself? I bet some would think so, but how fun would that be on a scale from 1-225? Honestly, what is the point of being able to speak and having opinions if not expressing them? It bugged me a bit, yes. If I were to be intimidated by every person I saw that I find physically attractive and could articulate themselves, I would just have to hide somewhere because I would be intimidated by basically everyone. Oh well, at least I have got one opinion on why some people find me that way. If I need to change? Nah, not really planning on it.
Life is not that much fun at the moment, the school is all great and so is the people. But I think that I have too much in my head that needs to be solved before I can make sense of my life again. Right now, I have the most tense back this world has encountered. Exaggeration, but it is just not responding well to my inability to release those feelings that I should be able to feel. Maybe I am becoming a robot. Wouldn't that be nice..
Monday
Back in my room waiting for my friend to come to join me for a cup of tea. Listening to Natasha Beddingfield singing "I wanna have your babies". Oh I miss that feeling, and I am scared of becoming obsessed with trying to find it. I don't want to force feelings. I want in to hit me in the back of my head, this is when the people that know me says that I would never let that happen because I am a control-freak. I would try to contest that, but would fail. It is not my fault, it is called being emotionally retarded. Sort of. But I know worse people than myself, so I can justify my coldness with that.
I had my international studies class today, and a girl said something along the lines with: some people say that the Soviet Union was not really communism in the way that Marx described it. The way she phrased it made it seem like she was revealing this hidden truth for the rest of the class. PATHETIC.
At this level, I thought those people would have learned to shut up. No, now I am being mean. I just cannot understand how anyone can have lived in that much isolation that they think that the rest of the world are not aware of such an obvious part of history. It has been bugging the whole afternoon, and I have no idea why I am letting this get to me. Now it is at least out of my system. I might start watching Lost.
Sunday
I am once again trying to learn how to appreciate Bob Dylan. I do that sometimes, as I feel that his music is something that I should like. But no, it doesn't get to me at all. I cannot feel it, it does not make my heart wanna beat in the same pace as the rhythm, the lyrics is not enchanting me. Still haven't turned the music off, trying so hard to find that something that so many others seem to have discovered.
Yesterday we had a rugby potluck and of some reason, which may or may not have been me, we started speaking with heavy British accents and played Kings, a fun game to play sober. Headed back, and met a friend of mine who normally does not take the initiatives when it comes to seeing me, so I was surprised that he did.
And blunt as I am, I asked why he does this. Answer: He really enjoys hanging out with me, but when he doesn't hang out with me he is indifferent about me. Isn't that lovely..
How on earth am I supposed to relate to that? Just accept it and move on? I do care for him, which is the problem in this case. I am basically setting myself up to get hurt. I just find him to be such a nice person, apparently I was not too accurate when it came to that. Though I know that I will just let his words pass, as I naively hope that he will change his mind and realize that I am a real friend, not something you use for a while and then throw away.
Friday
It is not fun to live abroad when things are not as they should at home. My beloved father has been a regular visitor at the ER the past weeks. I am not a fan. I feel so helpless, I cannot do anything and I have no idea what is going on. I called him today again, and he sounds fine. He is doing ok, I have nothing to worry about, but my brain does not agree to that. It worries, and makes me worried. Now it sounds like my brain is a separate entity from the rest of me, but I am trying to be rational and there are quite few things that can make me think irrationally. This is making me irrational.
Talked to my brother too.. He might be moving home again. I would love for that to happen, at the same time as I am a bit scared of it. Hopefully I will have work during the summer so I can live with my grandfather. I would love to live with him. In the town, be able to bike around and be with my friends. I am sort of longing for the summer to start, and for my other friends to start going abroad. One of my dear ones is heading to Scotland. I am so proud of her. Finally she is going to get the same experience, or sort of, as I am. There is something about Swedes that I miss. I don't know what, but the communication is different. Maybe it is because I can express myself better. That is a lie, I can express myself just as well in English, however sometimes I do get misunderstood. Oh Culture, don't we all love it.
I was in my music library with my better half yesterday, and danced around to all the wonderful music we found in there. I even found Swedish folkdancing music. It did not sound like I wanted it to. I could not associate with it. And then my dear baby L said "isn't ABBA your folkmusic". The short answer is: NO.
Right now, the thing I need the most is a back rub. My left shoulder cannot move. So if anyone is feeling generous, please let me know.
Thursday
The human body is an amazing thing. It keeps on surprising me. Last week, my body surprised me with an ear infection. Both of my ears are infected and quite grumpy, and even though I have soon been eating antibiotics for eight days, I cannot notice any difference. Both my ears are also blocked so I cannot really hear or communicate properly. For a while I gave in, I did not work out, food tasted bad and I just hated the fact that I had to eat medication, but then I decided that it was silly so I went on one of the bikes in the gym. I have not done that before, but now I am stuck. I love those bikes. Every morning I have been sitting there, waking up and starting up my metabolism so that I feel hungry.
I also got a new task to do at work. I got the key to the vinyl record library. It is insane, it got tons of wonderful music and I can use it whenever I want in return for keeping the door unlocked during 4 hours every week. LP records are something that makes my heart beat faster. I worked my first shift yesterday, and I am longing to start working today again. Sorting out the records might not be the funniest thing in life, but doing it to the old tunes from Saturday Night Fever makes it insanely enjoyable.
The human body can do amazing things, I danced today for the first time since Thursday last week. Today I danced. Finally. I am satisfied.
Now, I am focusing my energy on watching curling. Difficult choice, should I be rooting for Denmark or the US?
Tuesday
Sitting in my room, listening to Swedish news. Two Swedish soldiers were killed in Afghanistan. Sweden is not a part of NATO, nor officially in war. I have no idea what the heck Swedish troops are doing there. Less do I possess any understanding for the people that express any kind of surprise over these deaths. If you are a soldier in a country that has been in war for ages, there is definitely a possibility that you will die.
Sweden should not be there. Unless we declare war on something in Afghanistan, then I guess I can accept our presence. Maybe if it is as a UN peace keeping troop led by the UN, not by Nato, then I can also agree to it. But now, No. No Swedes in Afghanistan. Wrong, in all aspects, wrong.
Both of my ears are blocked. I cannot hear things properly. Going to class and hear lectures are quite amusing. I don't get anything out of it and cannot participate. My mom gave me the nice suggestion of maybe not exercise for a while and let my body rest. I am scared that I am not going to follow that advice at all. In fact, I have already done the opposite.
Sunday
Yesterday was spent with my girls at the Mall of America, it is the world's second largest mall. It will soon reclaim its position as number one though. It is still huge, and I get paralyzed as I get inside. I did not spend that much money, and I basically got things that I needed or really wanted. Nothing spontaneous. Spontaneity is not a good characteristic when it comes to money while being a student. It was great being out with my friends.
I went back, ate, went to Tea Garden with a friend and had a wonderful talk. I like people with visions, even though I might seem somewhat pessimistic, it is nice to be around people that believe in a more positive future. I wish I was more like that.
After the tea, I went upstairs and found some other friends, started watching Saving Private Ryan. I failed to watch it. I went to bed.
Something that bothered me again, which often happens when I spend time with only American boys, is that they start to go on about my heritage and so on. Why is that such a big thing? I have been so good lately, not criticizing America, actually been giving positive comments, doing my best to not intimidate people. But no, people just cannot see me as anything else but as "The Swede".
Another thing that bothers me, that I don't really want to admit, is that some of my friendships are very much based on partying. Now that I am not going out with my friends, they seem to less prone to spend time with me. I guess that just places a value on the friendship, at the same time as it is sad. Very sad. But, nothing that I cannot get over.
Today will be spent in the music department. It is going to be funfunfun!
Friday
So my alcohol free life is starting to get to me. It is a bit odd how lost I feel a Friday night without that substance. I went to a Haiti Relief Funding Concert, it was amazing and my school managed to raise over $13000. That is insane. I did contribute, but with a petty amount in comparison to the final sum. But on the other hand, it was all of the small contributions that led to the great final sum.
Went to a friend's birthday party, it was over-crowded and so many people there did not even know who he was. All there for the potential alcohol. I stayed until it got over the top and I couldn't move any longer and there was too much alcohol scent in the air. I am happy that I left, at the same time as I feel sort of lonely. I guess after some time I will get used to this. It is all about habits. Now I am gonna sleep.
Thursday
Listening to Hank Mobley, amazing man making even more amazing music. Yesterday I saw this string quartet that really made me emotional. The played Steve Reich's piece "Different Trains". I have seen it before, when studying WW2 in 9th grade, but this was more emotional. I had the music and the words right in front of me. To see great musicians in action is something that I appreciate a lot.
Today I met a man from Haiti, who has been living in the US for the past 10 years, but he told me about things behind the crisis, of how the lack of infrastructure and political stability has led to that many more than would have been necessary died in the earthquake. He told stories about children that has gone through more than any human should ever do, seeing their parents and home die and get destroyed, right in front of their eyes. I do admire people that can tell me these types of stories and look me in the eye, and even though the pain within is slowly eating them, and that he cried occasionally throughout the whole time he spoke, he did not stop. It was more important to him to convey his message. And he did it well. I feel bad. I wish I could do more, am almost paralyzed. What do you do in an situation like this? All the theory I know does not do any well at the moment..
Tuesday
First practice of the year. I am so out of shape. Not out shape for real, but out of rugby shape. I have been trying to keep up with my work outs and all that, and I have managed to do the core and endurance, but when we did intervals this morning, I was so embarrassed. It went so bad and I got tired immediately. Someone, aka me, needs to start doing intervals. And falling. Point is, that I need motivation. I hate doing this alone. I don't have enough self discipline.
Other plans for the day.. Coffee with a friend, choir, and study.
I had a very nice time with a friend yesterday. Sometimes a good conversation with a friend does wonders. It did. Of some reason, we have managed to not spend quality time together for a very long time. I rediscovered why I find him so important. He is such a good person. I wish I would realise that more often and appreciate him more. But, as human as I am, I fall back to my normal patterns and will get very happy instead next time I see him.
Doesn't make sense, I know. My thoughts don't make sense at the moment. I love rugby though.