Wednesday
Today I got familiarized with the American hospitals. It was, besides the fact that I had to go there, a rather pleasant experience. I came there, they started running tests on me and decided that morphine was the way to go about it. So I am now on drugs once again. Most people that know me knows my stance on painkiller and similar, they also know about my frustration about antibiotics. At the moment, I have both morphine and ibuprofen in my body in higher doses than I have ever had before in my life. At least I am not in pain any longer. I also decided to steal the scrub from the hospital as I needed something to dress up in for tonight. So, how about being a semi crazy person? Because that is different from normal. Oh well, hopefully my abdomen decides to be less painful tomorrow.
Oh, and Carolyn is the bestest thing in the world
Tuesday
Soon it will be tomorrow, and tomorrow by this time, this one will be rather happy. No work to think about for at least two days. At home, they are getting all of week 44 off, which is November 1st and onwards. I lose the concepts of weeks when I am here, as it is not used at all. When I came home over the summer I had no clue what week it was and made life rather difficult.
So I had tons of thoughts that I had planned on sharing, but then I realized that I cannot do that. Mainly because some of them might be seen as a remark on people's behavior. I guess it is that too in some sense, but that is not the primary reason for me blogging. Right now I am trying to overcome this huge fear of mine, and I am failing. Mainly because I indirectly, insanely indirectly, asked for help and didn't receive it. It is totally my own fault, as I didn't dare to be direct. Yeah, sometimes my bluntness fails me. It doesn't happen that often, but when I have to get personal or share something that is of importance I get just as shy and scared as anyone else. The fear of rejection. There is no thread in this post, no topic. My head doesn't think like that at the moment. I think I am going on some kind of back-up power right now.
Sunday
I am supposed to write an essay but my fingers don't feel like typing words that would be coherent to the topic I am writing on so I gave up. No, I am actually just taking a day long break from doing anything constructive. I need to become more productive during weekends. There are so many things that I need to get more perspective on. I should not be partying away my tuition. That does not make sense. It is not the most intelligent choice I can make right now I feel like.
I had a good Saturday. I started off by some door-knocking for the DFL and then we went to the Dayton rally to see the President. Came back, watched the football game and then I chilled with my girls. It was wonderful.
During the President's talk, I was standing next to a girl who is 25 years old and has two kids. She is in school and she told me about the things that she does to provide for her kids in the best way possible. Her story was amazing, and it didn't matter that I had the President of the USA standing in front of me, I much rather play with the kid she had with her and listen to the words of reality that she had to tell. Her youngest girl is 17 months and her oldest daughter is three. I felt so humble listening to her. She is studying, organizing civic events and taking care of two kids at the same time, I don't have any right complain. My problems are luxury problems.
This was a night filled with guitar playing and singing, a night with conversations about what you are, and what I want you to think that I am. I got the privilege to listen to your story. Thank you
Friday
Today has been one of those days where I would have preferred to not changed out of my sweatpants. But due to the fact that I find it disrespectful to my professors to not be properly dressed, I wore jeans. Of some reason my appearance and I were not friends today. You know when that happens, normally you have a standard of procedures that you do before you leave your home, but I just didn't do that today. I guess no one noticed anyhow.
I want to cut off my hair. I was sure that I wanted to cut off my hair. But then I thought about it again, and I want a change. I don't think that the change that I am looking for can be accomplished through cutting of my hair. It is probably deeper than that. Changing my looks will be a temporary solution, but then I will be sitting here again in a month or so, still feeling like I want something else from life.
Tonight I am going to study, a calm Friday. Tomorrow I am going to volunteer and then go and see the President. I am looking forward to it so much. I want to hear him speak. When I get home, I will be able to say that I have seen the President. Both the President and the vice President in one month, pretty impressive, don't you think?
Sunday
I haven't finished my essay, I am out of licorice, I just got informed that I wasted 30 hours preparing a concert for nothing, I have a pressure over my chest that makes it hard to breathe, I forgot that emotions do have impact on my life, I forgot how much it hurts to trust someone. I forgot that I cannot control all the aspects of my life as my life is a part of other peoples lives too. I forgot that I cannot hide anywhere any longer, that I have to face the consequences of my own decisions. I forgot that I don't know how to deal with drama, how to deal irrationality, how to deal with changing my plans in the last minute. I forgot how much I dislike people that cannot face the truth, that don't dare to be upfront, that are scared of words and tries to hide it in apologetic action. I forgot that what I value is not universally considered valuable. Then I remembered that in my life, the only one that I can make sure is feeling good and know how to improve the life of, is myself. I can only be happy if I let myself be happy. I cannot put my life in other peoples hands. But at the same time, I want to let go. Let go of the rigid plan that is my life, let go of the chains that ties me to conformity, let go of my mind and let someone else in. Be able to welcome a new world into mine, be able to share my world with you. Please don't give up.
You Want Me to Fall Against Something You Made Yours, but if You want Me to Fall, then there should be Space to Fall Freely
Friday
Islamic civilizations, a class that I haven't grasped yet. I think I will soon though. Hopefully.
After that, my weekend started. I went to Tea Garden with Lora and Grace to shake the stress off and to realize that I can relax now. The rest of my evening was spent with Brandon, catching up and having dinner. After three hours of conversation I am now seated in front of my computer thinking about what I want with life. I know that it is Friday evening and that I am expected to do something "fun", but I have had such a nice day until now that I don't need anything else. Today was close to a perfect day. It is like all the parts of life that I appreciate have been addressed. I am content. Today is one of those days when I know I made the right choice in coming to America.
Actually, I have had a really good semester so far. It has been stressful, as always, but I feel like I have gotten to see more of the place that I am living in, that I have grown more independent and more responsible ( which I think has a lot to do with me living in an apartment and finally can make my own food and routines). I still cannot detach from my family though. I have this urge of going home, seeing them again. I want to be able to see them more often. That is the only thing that I lack. Everything else I can deal with, but being without my family is difficult. There is this song that in Swedish is called My family and the chorus goes like this
My family, that's the ones that wants to belong together, be there for each other, strong and true, here water is as thick as blood. One family, like a big house, no limits and no end.
I don't know if that makes sense in English, but that is not how I feel. I need to see my blood relatives too.
Though at the moment I am content. Happy Friday