Monday
Listening to Hello Saferide. More indie is entering my life. Good thing? I believe so. Got my living situation for next year figured out today. I am finally going to live in a real place. No more dorms. No more cafeteria food. I will live in an apartment. I will live with some girls that I don't know too well, but I know them well enough I think to say that it will work out for the best. I am just so happy to finally be able to become independent and live for and by myself. It is not completely for myself, but still. An apartment. I am so excited. For real, not the kind of excitement as for shoe delivery in two weeks. I am smiling like a fool. Too happy.
Had my first outdoors practice today. Have been tired since. Had an amazing nap, then I started to have nightmares so I decided to stop napping. The sun has been shining all day, and the forecast for the coming days is amazing.
Things seem to work out, after all.
I remembered your birthday yesterday. Of some reason only the good memories are left. When we were kids, not wanting to draw what we done during the summer. Never forgotten, ever.
Sunday
I must say that I have had a rather nice weekend. Yesterday my host family took me to the American Swedish Institute to eat Swedish waffles - I hate waffles, but out of tradition I ate them, because I miss when my grandmother used to make me waffles.. Not that I liked it back then either, but I ate it to make her happy. When I was younger she used to say that I was "good at eating". Then I decided to become a vegetarian and ever since she feels that I am a traitor to her wiener sausages. She asks me to eat meat every time I see her.
Waffles, Swedish candy, swedish books.. I can live here. No problems whatsoever.
Today I am discovering Florence and the Machine, a band playing a mixture or indie/soul with rock and jazz influences. I am in awe. I will soon know this record by heart.
"As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder"
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder"
If I publish that thing randomly? No, there is no such thing. I am actually playing the game that I hate. A game that I always lose, and which is more or less equal to frustration. I am too scared to dare to do anything. I think I will just be satisfied to be one of the pieces that gets moved around.
Then again, I know myself - which means that the part of me that happens to be a control freak will soon take over and I will become crazy.
Wednesday
Had lunch with a friend and we had a very rewarding conversation. My level of actual rationality was questioned, which was more than needed. I really value rational thinking, as little emotional interference when it comes to decision, and I doubt my own ability to express and feel stronger emotions. The last part is definitely questionable, as I would be some kind of android if that was the case - and as far as I am concerned. Is just that I am so bad at trusting people. Trust is something that has to be earned, and I am very selective when it comes to whom to trust. Which ends up with me not daring to trust anyone, so my friend asked if that doesn't make me feel lonely.
I don't know if I feel lonely, I guess I do sometimes - but that I think is common for everyone. Sometimes we all end up in situations where we cannot really share what is going on inside without feeling too exposed.
I want it to be Friday already, want this week to be done with. I need time with myself.
Have been awake since 05:50, my head is heavy. Even though today was intense, I have had a good day. Studied during the morning for my test in Rhetoric. Nice to have that done with. Now I am at work, about to start a new book for another class. Had a nice dinner together with a nice young man. He made me smile a lot, definitely a good ending of this day.
Tuesday
Today I am drowning in school work. Or, not really. I have so many other things to do that I cannot do the things that I need to do for school. So I decided to blog now when I have some excess time to play with. Nah, it is just that I cannot concentrate. Why is that? I don't know, might be because the weather is lovely, people are being all cozy outside my window, I have emotions that I am bad at suppress. I value rationality. A lot.
Too much. Right now I am being very rational, and basically all of my friends have heard me complain about love songs, movies about love, getting married, settling down, the constant excitement and whatnot. So I guess my ideal world would be very mellow, sort of grey. No extremes, I mean happy is definitely okay, but being excited for the shoes that are going to arrive in two weeks is really stretching it. I asked my friends yesterday if I am grumpy, and they say that I am just very passionate about certain things. I don't know if that was something positive or not.
I want to have time to think, need some space to discover where I am at right now. Because I am not too sure about it. I don't know what kind of confirmation I need, or how I can make people around me feel that I appreciate them. I think I might fail in that aspect quite heavily at the moment.
Monday
Monday morning, daily workout done and now waiting to have class. Done with the readings for today, will start studying for upcoming tests now. Two of my professors felt like it would be nicer to have midterms after spring break. I don't know if I agree, however I did not study at all during the break. The weather is wonderful, and if you know your Swede, this makes her ridiculously happy.
"It's Ignorance, Stupid" - A quote from one of my textbooks. It sounds like something I would say/think. And there is so much ignorance. I get surprised by my own ignorance, my own ways of simplifying life to understand what is going on. But what else is there to do? I cannot get to know every human being and situation there is on this planet, I will have to generalize, meaning turn some of my ignorance towards the outliers. I wish I could to it another way, that I would not have to simplify to be able to comprehend, to understand. But I do.
Yes, I do think that we need a way to take care of the gender violence happening in my country, and that we need to target particular immigration groups as their figures of abuse differ a lot from the rest of the statistics. Why is is so frowned upon to recognize that all cultures are not the same. Of course there are variations within cultures, but that does not mean that I am advocating some kind of cultural imperialism. There are stuff that does not work so smoothly with my culture either, many things that I feel should be different. However, I would not consider it Westernization of a culture if I demand the same kind of gender equality within immigrant communities as for my own population in my country. It is not even that idealistic. No, I don't want to condemn other cultures, because my culture as I know it has mixed a lot with others, it is not homogenous at all. In my language you can find traces of many other languages. I just don't like the fact that preservation of culture is used as an argument to maintain inequalities and practices that does not coincide with the notion of basic, and fundamental, human rights.
Sunday
I know, it has been longer than usual. However, I am alive. And I have many positive stories to tell, even though I might have forgotten parts of them..
Firstly, the Doctor said that I am well now, and I feel so much better. The sickness that has been taking so much of my energy is finally gone. I can run, lift, talk and whatnot without being interrupted by a stupid cough. I feel revitalized. That sounded like a moisturizer... Anyhow, Me well= good!
Secondly, I have had an amazing spring break. No, I did not leave campus - but I discovered more of Minneapolis, got to spend time with my friends, rest, daze in the sun, drink coffee and meet an old friend. It was a super nice break. Not that I needed it, but I am glad that it happened. Once again I feel like I need to make changes in my life to make myself an happier being. Will formulate those thoughts into words in the future.
Thirdly, I have eaten more food for dinner today than during all of the past week. That is not even that much of an exaggeration. I am on my way into a food coma, sooo tired.
I need to prepare for my Sunday-evening-depression. Yeah, I get those.. You know, when you wonder what on earth you did with the past week, why you are still studying though you should have finished all that already, why you are alone and so on.. What I usually do is to have tea with my dearest, but she is not here. So, I will have to vent to my teddydog instead, and he does not give that much comfort.
Thursday
Doing a research project about Sierra Leone, it is supposed to focus on development after the civil war but I am stuck reading about the history. Or, I am reading reports from HRW about what people went through. It makes me supersad. I have read about the most brutal rapes, butchering, torture.. It is so distant. I am trying to not get too attached, because if I do it might mess up my work, but at the same time I want to get attached, I want to feel it. I want to put myself through the tough feelings. Why? Because that is the least I can do. I am an ignorant being who have gotten most of life served, not had to fight for my existence. I need to understand how grateful I should be. But I am not. Or, I guess I am but not to that extent. I should be so much more. I have so many precious things, I bet I don't even show them how important they are to me. Scared of getting too attached. Melancholy, go away!
Sunday
I really don't have time for this, but I have a need for venting. I want to vent about values.
Values are something that differs a lot across cultures. I value modesty and honesty, utilitarianism. I value personal integrity. I value intimacy, physicality, warmth. I do not understand when people talk behind someone else's back, when someone is scared of physical closeness, when someone cannot tell me what is wrong. I cannot understand how anyone can be happy all the time. I haven't grasped the concept of being "excited" about buying milk, getting a new pair of shoes in two weeks or whatnot. I cannot understand why my values are all of a sudden not worth anything.
Don't laugh at me when I tell you that I need people to look at me when I speak, touch me when conversing. This is how I have been interacting with other people my whole life, anything else is for me foreign. Why can't that be accepted? I will adjust, give me some time and the only thing you will notice is my accent. Otherwise I can become just like you. Though my fundamental values are still the same.
I want to tell you that you make me happy - no, I am not in love with you
I want to hug you when I see you to make sure that you know that I care about you - no, I am not trying to make a move on you
I want to keep eye contact with you while speaking - no, I am not flirting
I freak out when someone tells me that they are really great at something - Sorry, it is sort of taboo where I come from
You ask how I am, and I hesitate in my response - I don't want to lie, yet I don't want to tell you the answer because it is personal
You make a joke about my heritage - I smile, because I have no idea why that is so funny to you
I don't show emotions they way you do - does not mean that I don't feel them.
Tuesday
The sound of melting snow dripping down the side of the walls makes me happy. The sunshine makes me happy. The bright days make me happy. Seeing my beautiful friends makes me happy. Thinking of my wonderful family makes me happy. Being happy. Of course it is not static. Changes all the time. But I can smile without being happy. There is nothing wrong with that. And I want it to be that way. I don't wanna vent everything to everyone, and I don't wanna be questioned for not smiling even though they are used to seeing me smiling.
My range of emotions that I show is rather limited. I will work on that promise. Now I am going to watch Lost. Because I have a lot of free time.