Thursday
It is still there, that unfamiliar feeling. I don't know what it is or how to deal with it. I am distancing myself from whatever it is. I cannot eat without feeling nauseous, cannot sleep properly.
To my fortune, I have some really great friends and family. Eddie saved me big time when I got to hear about the accident. He picked me up and brought me with him home. He held me so that I would stop shaking, he tucked me in and hugged me, trying to create the comfort needed to fall asleep. Without him, the nervous breakdown would have been a fact. Been talking to Sofia a lot, and my sister. My grandmother too, they all show empathy but are letting me deal with it my way.
In a sense, I have no idea that he is gone yet. Alex was not a part of my Swedish life. He was a part of my life at Macalester. I am fearing the day when I will enter the classroom where I know he should have been and not seeing him there. I feel selfish in a way. Grief is selfish. But at the moment, I have no idea what else to do than to share my thoughts with the world. There are so many of them.. I wish I had one of those things that Dumbledore has, where he extracts his thoughts so that he doesn't have to have them flying around in his head.
My thoughts are still with Alex near and dear ones, I wish you all strength in this difficult time.
Wednesday, Dear Friend
Yesterday I lost my breath, and I haven't found a way to catch it yet. Yesterday, I got to know that a very dear friend of mine has passed away.
The first time I listened to him talk, he talked too fast for me to understand. I thought he looked a bit like the bees in Donald Duck, he blushed when he spoke in front of the class, and he used words that were beyond my understanding. As I had so many classes with him, it was inevitable not to speak with him. He had such a different way of viewing the world than I had. He kept on telling me that the ultimate model for a state would be to be as Finland.. Not that intelligent to tell a Swede such a thing, but he kept on arguing for his cause and he had done his homework. He claimed to be a socialist, we had many beautiful discussions over different issues, and he always surprised me with his approach - it wasn't hyped or too idealistic. It felt a bit naive of course, but it was true.
We had study sessions in his room, we usually sat down for a while and went through notes together and then we talked. He told me about his family, especially about his brother. He showed pictures and he really wanted me to meet his dog, while I wanted him to meet my sister.
I had bad days, he always made me feel better about myself. He didn't like working in Café Mac, as it was degrading and he resented the cap they had to wear. I used to sit and stare at him and then go and compliment his beauty.
His nasal voice, the freckles, the curious brown eyes. Messy brown hair, the accent, the slang..
I cannot close my eyes without seeing him, I hear his laughter in my head. There are so many beautiful memories, and so much happiness that I have shared with you; you were a big part of my life at Macalester, and now I am supposed to understand that you will not be there when I get back. I have not grasped it yet, not at all.
My body is shaking, I cannot eat nor sleep. I cannot cry, as I haven't realized that you are gone.
Alex Willis, my heart beats for you. I will miss you so darn much. Thank you for all the beauty you added to my life
Monday
Sitting in my bed with the fan standing on the chair next to me. It is so effin hot. I am trying to survive over here but it is difficult. Had to do a lot of heavy lifting today at work so I am feeling pretty exhausted. My friend who promised to take me swimming has postponed it to later this evening. I don't know if I can take it. Nah, it is not that bad. If I take cold showers every now and then it actually works out pretty well.
Went grocery shopping today. I feel so old when I do that. It must add on to my adult points. My family went on vacation up north, they are planning on walking in the mountains, in the heat. Stupid. Instead, I am at home earning money, feeling like an old person that cannot do anything as I am scared of getting a heat stroke.
What? No, not complaining at all..
Saturday
My body gave up, or gave in might be a more suiting expression. Now, there is just pain an tears. It wants me to sleep, to rest and let it store some energy for the coming week. A week that will be filled with more work and time with friends. My dad is turning older too. And, I need to solve my life.
An old friend visited me today. He got such a good memory when it comes to weird things that happened ages ago. It makes me smile. He know it all, everything that has ever happened in my life. I know a lot about him too. It is so comfortable, nothing to explain or change. We have accepted the other one - even though we are very very different. He is very opinionated against my choice of men. He wants me to choose someone who is more like him (more like him when he is sober that is), while I rarely understand his choice of girls as he keeps getting bored of them as he hasn't understood that he is intelligent.
When I get back from America, I am planning on marrying him. He will probably be the only one that can make me a normal human being and I am probably his chance to finally settle down a bit. Nah, that is not going to happen but in some way we have a good way of complementing each other. Monday will be here soon, more quality time for my friend and I
Friday
I am getting scared of growing older. Of some reason it seems less appealing now after helping people that are complete vegetables. There is nothing that they can do on their own and I just keep on wondering what they are living for. I wish I could here their stories, know what they come from. I want to learn what makes them happy and what makes them sad. Their hobbies and who they were before I started changing their diapers and wiping their faces. There are so many stories that are left untold. Just recently I discovered an important story about my other grandfather. He has always been very careful about pulling out the plug to all electrical devices in the home when going to bed or going outside. I found this behavior weird when I was young, but got used to it. I had heard some stores about him getting scared when the lightening struck once, but no more details. But it goes deeper than that. My father didn't know anything either, more than that his heart became "weak" when the lightening hit the cottage at their country house. In fact, none of us knew anything about why he was so prone to disconnect all electrical devices every day until quite recently.
When my grandfather was young, around fourth grade, he was working in the barn when the lightening struck. It hit the barn badly and my grandfather was thrown out by the pressure. It started burning and my grandfather couldn't be found anywhere. First, of course, they thought he had got stuck in the barn however, later they found him walking around the neighborhood all disoriented. From that day on, he didn't speak a word. He stopped communicating for a year and had to go through fourth grade again. After a year, he started speaking again and ever since he has been afraid of lightening and done all there was in his power to prevent it from striking close to him again. After knowing this, his behavior made a lot more sense.
Getting old might not be that bad, it is just that I don't want to be a burden for anyone else. At the same time as it feels so distant but also like I need to hurry. So many people in my surrounding are starting to settle and get comfortable. I am not even close to settling down. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be able to be satisfied with what I got.
Thursday
Waiting for the laundry to be done. We now have a functioning bathroom and the whole condo is clean. It feels wonderful to finally be able to walk barefooted in here. It has been horrible to not have access to a shower, for such a long time. Not that I like showering particularly much, in fact I just shower when I have to, but I like being able to make that decision myself. Should have gone out with a friend today, but I was too exhausted to do anything at all after my work out. Yeah, that. Working out in the heat is wonderful. It makes you realize how important water is for the body to work. I don't like drinking water from glasses. The only way in which I can consume water is from plastic water bottles. So I don't shower and I don't drink water.. Nah, that is not really the whole truth. I drink a lot of water and I shower almost every day. But that is just because of work and exercise. When I am sick, I forget to shower completely. I can go for days. Nobody notices anyhow as my hair has this wonderful tendency of always looking the same.
Grandpa is sleeping, he is so happy now when everything is finally done. Hopefully he gets nicer now when he doesn't have to stress about the dust and dirt from the construction workers and the lack of water.
Tomorrow I am going to barbecue with our neighbors and play with their kids. They have grown so much. I think the oldest one just turned eight. It makes me feel really old too, as I remember the day they came home with him from the hospital. He had such pretty eyes.
Something that is killing me at the moment is lack of communication and courage. Without communication there is no way to solve any problems, and I am one of those people that think a lot. Meaning, I need to talk to get things out of my head so that I can move on. But I guess that not daring to confront a problem says more about the person that doesn't have the courage than the one that is being targeted with the act of not talking.
Wednesday
How to describe a feeling that I will not admit is present. How to fix a problem that I cannot name. Is it even mine if I don't know where it is? Will something that I don't know is breaking me down make me stronger. I have no idea to cope with the fact that I don't always get what I want. Normally, I just start wanting something else instead to synthesize happiness and make myself forget about what I initially was yearning for. Will that work now?
Today, work was amazing. I had that kind of flow that just makes you smile.
My cousin is still the best thing of my day. I wish I could still be happy for the small things in life. Hopefully I can learn how to do that again
Tuesday
Sometimes life takes turns that you don't expect. Today I felt like the world wanted to punish me for being naive or something; nothing worked. At work, I had obstacles with at least half of the patients. Medicines were gone, people were mean, people did not open their doors, measuring devices were lost and so on. It was awful. I felt really unappreciated. Then, my head started to ache. One of the carpenters then had an hourlong conversation with me after work that really cheered my up. I went grocery shopping and then I biked to my uncle. When I arrived, I went out in his yard and started reading. The relaxation that I felt at that moment is indescribable.
When I went upstairs to say goodbye my cousin came and gave me a hug and then I just couldn't leave. I just had to play with him. After a while, he crawled up in my lap and wanted to count fingers and toes and name them. He laughed, a laughter that came straight from the heart. There was so much love and happiness. He wanted to measure my hand, pretend like it was a spider that crawled on him.
I got a bit tired, laid down in the sofa and closed my eyes, and there my three year old cousin comes and tucks me in with a towel and puts a pillow below my head. It made my day. Just one year ago, he barely spoke and was rather scared of me. Now, he shows that he cares in every way and I cannot wait to see him again. In one sense it feels bad as I go to visit him and not my uncle, but I think he understands. I do appreciate my uncle a lot. He is always there and he feeds me. He talks about life and listens when I need to talk. He also gave life to my wonderful cousin. I cannot really describe the joy in me.
Other obstacles has been in my way too, but after talking to my friends and sister I feel like I can go to bed without worrying too much. I am still a bit on edge, but I am hoping that I am making mountains out of molehills.
Monday
I worked, it went well. I like the freedom of working on my own but at the same time working with people. I can give people the care they need on their demands but on my premises. I am finally giving something back to the society. It feels ridiculously good to be a part of the welfare system.
I bought food today, and I moved all my stuff yesterday. Waking up with my things here and being able to make my own food was amazing. Now, I just need that darn bathroom to start functioning again and I will be as happy as can be.
Grandpa. That man is a mystery to me. I have never met someone who lives more on prejudices than him. He is one of those silent racists, who calls everyone who is not Swedish or Finnish for "the others". He doesn't even try to learn how to pronounce their names. The best part is, he is married to an immigrant. He judges people so quick and right now it is very difficult for me to be around. He is nagging on everything. He is being so mean to my family. I thought I would be able to sort of pay him back for all that he did for me when I was growing up, but that doesn't seem to work. His mind is closed. Maybe it always was. I am starting to think that the image I had in my head of him was sort of only portraying the surface of what he really is like. He is incredibly loving and strong, but he has this weird tendency to not listen to anyone else when he thinks that he is right. I might have inherited a bit of that, but at least I have the decency to pretend like I am listening.
Need to sleep now, as tomorrow there will be more work for this young lady to do.
Sunday
Yesterday was sort of awesome. Sunbathing on the rocks next to the Baltic ocean followed by chilling (jumma) in a park in the city. Went to some friends house and danced around. Got driven home around three in the morning. Perfect. Happy Birthday Jens, I hope you had a good night. The rest of us sure did.
The weather is so paralyzing right now. It is too hot to be outside, the cat passed out on the porch in a spot that is at least a bit cooler than the rest of the yard.
I am quite under stimulated right now, my sister and I danced to old music. Yeah.. That is about it.
Later today I will pack all my stuff and move my home to my grandfather. Even though there is no water in the bathroom and I have no shower. Hopefully I can use my man for that purpose. Then at least he is good for something. We had quite a talk last night. I may or may not have been super sober, but it felt like we cleared the air a bit more. I am pretty sure that he would never read this, as he is not really a fan of reading over all. Gonna hang with my friends and him by some lake today. It is way too hot to even try to do something than involves physical activity. Now I will read my book and drink water, or strawberrysaft that my dad made me. He is superawesome too..
Friday
Last night, I was lying in bed reading a book I borrowed from a friend. It is about how the male role in the Swedish society has been pretty stagnant the past 200 years or so. It is very interesting, and it is causing me to smile ever so often. It is rather late, but after a while I can here steps in the stairs. My sister storms in, exclaiming: Here I am! She looks beyond enthusiastic and changes fast into her pj's and crawls down in my bed and turns off my light. In the dark, she turns around and says: Don't throw sledge hammers in townhouses. Then she falls asleep and that's it.
My parents were in Berlin over midsummer, so we are going to celebrate midsummer tonight.. You know how I know? We got 8 different types of schnapps in the fridge. Those really speaks for themselves. And the weather is sure good enough for being outside the whole evening. It is difficult to explain Swedish heat, as it feels hotter than anywhere else that I have ever been. When I am in MN and the temperature is in the 80's, it is not that hot. As soon as the temperature here rises about 80, it is super hot. If it dares to go over 90, like it will tomorrow, I am almost dying from heat stroke. However, when this happens in another country it doesn't feel as hot. Anyhow, today I will spend by a lake with the sister and the man hopefully. I think I will have to dedicate a post to the man soon, to explain the situation. But until then I will try go change color from white to at leas off-white
Thursday
Once again I needed some kind of perspective and left my blogging. Once again I realized why I need some way to process my thoughts.
I am at home, in Sweden. It is sunny and I have been doing the normal chores at home as I usually do during the summers. Getting a bit mundane to be honest, but I will not be staying here for too long.
My neighbor died a couple of weeks ago. He was a real story teller. He emigrated to Sweden from Austria 65 years ago and has done absolutely everything, according to himself at least.
When I was a kid, I usually biked by his house and listened to him telling the most amazing stories from his youth. Tales about marathons, amazing sunsets, funky people, cars, when he first used a telephone are memories that I feel that he told me about yesterday. I could sit there for hours. He smoked a lot, and when I was 10 he got some problems with his blood circulation. He started to go for walks, and I walked with him every evening. When there were school breaks I went to his house every morning to play cards.
He was a gardener, and once he had sown new grass on a patch of his yard. I biked by, and he was sitting there on his knees, cutting the grass with a normal pair of scissors. He did mean a lot to me when I grew up, but as I did grow up I also grew away from him.
Since I moved away from home I have not seen him that much. I remember that he got really ill around Christmas. Two weeks ago my parents biked by his house, and his wife was sitting outside in tears, telling them that her husband had gotten a brain tumor. He passed a way a couple of hours later.
My sister called me just before I was heading into an interview with my new employer so I couldn't really cry. I wish I had. It was tough sitting there, trying to be all rational and answer questions when all I wanted to do was to talk to someone about all my memories and how amazing this man was. So that is what I am doing now. Most important, I somehow want to express how thankful I am for his presence in my life. I probably had a lot more impact on me than I will ever know.