Saturday
Watched movies yesterday. The Day After Tomorrow, interesting work of art together with interesting people. I wonder how realistic the scenarios of the movie is. I mean, I do realise and see the effects of global warming around me, especially at home, but would it happen that fast? Would the world just contract environmental fever and make all natural disasters that we know of, happen simultaneously? It became a bit too much, to the extent where I close my brain and see it as entertainment because it is so incomprehensible. It is funny how that happens, that things that seem too surreal, too far away from my reality are things that I cannot grasp, even when I try.
Tonight is a Girls Night Out, Finally. We are gonna go out and dance, see the city and be anonymous. Supposed to be some kind of birthday thingy, but I see it more as a bonding. Now over to my studies, which are everything else but overwhelming this weekend.
Thursday
"Hi Beautiful". Something that I don't get to hear every day, two words that most of the time don't mean that much to the person uttering them, but that can make a tough day so much brighter. I might be very self conscious, but to hear a positive comment can make my day. This on the other hand stands as a great weakness as a negative comment easily can ruin my mood. It is fairly easy to say nice things. Doesn't take that much effort or thought. And it pays off. I often wondered why we don't show appreciation of people that we like. I mean, of course of some we do. We tell our friends that they matter, the family is always reminded about it, but those who are not that close but still exists in your life. What do I do to tell them that I appreciate them? Not much, maybe a smile and a wink now and then, but no words to describe that their presence in my life makes it a bit better.
I wonder what I am scared of. Will I become more vulnerable if I tell people that they matter to me? Maybe it is just a habit. I am not used to telling people good stuff. I can bluntly give negative remarks, but I am not nearly as good at giving positive comments.
That needs to change.
Wednesday
It is difficult to know when to stop. To know when I crossed the line of what is acceptable and not. To interpret the reactions right, to read the signals. I don't always understand this culture. Sometime I think that everyone hates me, and occasionally I feel rather liked. I don't know if I understand. I guess I won't know until I can read the others thoughts. I wonder how weird I am to them. Some concepts that I bring up seems very foreign and more than once I have been ignored due to the reason of my argument, which I would consider straight forward and simple, being to obscene to the rest.
Today I am happy though. I saw Obama speak, I was not too fond of all the things he said. It feels so distant, so far away from my Swedish reality. I am getting a bit excited about the elections in September though. Just a bit. I know exactly how to vote.
Tuesday
That is today. It was a good day, I think. As I don't have a phone, my friends kindly forgets about my existence. I can forgive them for that for a while I guess.
I lost my appetite together with my sanity today. Of some unknown reason my hands feel like shaking. I have this weird feeling in my tummy and I just want to sleep. It is not painful, just annoying. I want to get it out of me, but I have no idea what to do with this feeling. Because it is not a severe physical condition, rather an emotional. But I cannot name it, recognize it or admit its existence.
This is what happens when I encounter strong feelings. I cannot deal with it and get semi-depressed. It is ridiculous, why didn't I learn how to handle things like this?
This will lead to more hours in the gym and early nights. Perfect.
Monday
First day of classes. No, I don't want to write about my classes. I cannot give them justice anyhow.
Been thinking about the "pursuit of happiness". To be happy. It almost sounds cliche. It has been used so many times, and it is often used as a goal of life. Happiness. To me, it is a feeling. A feeling that is as dynamic as my day. Occasionally during the day, I might feel happiness ten times. It might also feel like I haven't been happy for ages. I know that I just wrote that I had a really good day yesterday, but today it feels l should just go to bed as soon as possible. I have no idea why I have become so moody lately. Being my head is like a being in a roller coaster that is going through menopause. How now that would happen. I think that if my society would not but such an emphasis on happiness, I would be happier as I wouldn't strive for it. I wish I was a tough Viking. Maybe I should start claiming the ancestry with them more, it might do me good. Taking control over feelings and other silly stuff. I wish emotions could be optional. Like an add-on. Right now, I would do so much better with less of them at least. But if I know myself, which I do think that I do, it is not visible. I can feel it. Sometimes I wish I could meet someone that can read my mind. So that I don't have to communicate, someone that I can just be around and know that they know what I am, even the core, and still choose to stand by my side.
Now am pathetic again.
Sunday
My day, I have now breathed the air on this earth for 20 years. Quite some time, but very tiny in comparison with so much else. I woke up early and started reading the news and clear up around my desk, then I talked to my family for a while. I don't know why I miss my dad so much. I just left him, but I feel like I never get to spend enough time with him. Today he picked up the phone when I called. We didn't have a lot to talk about, but I just enjoyed hearing him talk about all those things that happens in his life. Or rather, the few things that do happen.
A friend, who also suffered from jetlag, came down for tea in the morning. It was good to have someone who is at least a bit similar when it comes to culture, to sit and talk about life and death with. He made me smile, and I kept on smiling as I stepped into the car with my hostfamily. They made food and cinnamon rolls for me, and gave me gifts and we talked about the summer and their future trip to Sweden, I played games with the kids and it was just lovely. My friends were here when I got back and we went out and ate dinner. It was amazing to see them again. It is something about the chemistry when we are all together, the roles we play. I am still trying to figure out if I am comfortable with mine, as the sarcastic but yet cute one. In short, today was a good day. It might not have revealed life for me, but it did indeed show me things that are important in life. Friends, Family and Love.
Saturday
Sitting in my room, my last two hours of being a teenager are ahead of me. I will do the best I can of that time, sleep. I am jetlagged and my body is in complete protest. I am hungry, even though I just ate, I am tired but hyped. Traveling is not something that I should be doing too often. Cannot be good for my system to readjust all the time. Of some unknown reason I am expecting life to reveal itself when I turn 20. It is like a milestone, and when I reach it I am going to know what I want to do with my life, who I will live with and start planning to have kids. So many people use the phrase "growing up" in a negative connotation. I don't know if I can agree to that. I like getting older in one sense, to understand more and have access to the society and all it has to offer. I like taking responsibility, being independent and making my own decisions. I am almost proud over how much I can take care of myself. Detaching myself from my parents in one sense, not like I don't need them but I am becoming my own.
It will feel rather weird to celebrate my birthday without my family, even though they have not done that for the past 2 years. There will be no Thi Qui, no Stine. On the other hand, I have new friends that I appreciate a lot, but none that is as close as those.
Now I am going to sleep and when I wake up tomorrow, I will be enlightened.
Wednesday
Cannot blog today or tomorrow. Too much nerves now and will be on that plane tomorrow. Leaving Sweden in 12 hours. America and Mac, here I come
Tuesday
Once upon a time, I decided to go to the US. I don't know if that was in sheer protest to what everyone around me thought of the place or if it was because I wanted to. I got there, and it was really confusing. People didn't hug like at home, not talk the kind of English I was used to, used slang and weird expressions that I had never heard of. Cultural adjustments happened. Aaron wanted me to write about him. And he deserves one. What is Aaron? He is a funky figure. Wears clothes that are very..eye catching? He is one of those that tries to bite you through the screen not really understanding that it is all virtual. A bit naive, and tries hard to understand my culture. I think I appreciate the way he tries. It makes me feel liked. He has potential. He has a kind heart. That sounds cheesy, but he does. Clumsy is something that he is too. WHen it comes to many aspects. But I don't think that he would ever do hurt anyone intentionally.
What is special about him is that I am actually considering making him a real friend. One of those that even I could maybe depend a bit on. Maybe. I don't find that kind of people that often.
Monday
My sister wanted to "guestblog", but I will leave that option for a later occasion when I feel that I don't have enough interesting thoughts to share.
I am trying to live in the moment and absorb all the good feelings that I have at home, but leaving is a bit bittersweet. My siblings are just too wonderful. The past years we have grown so close, and it might sound weird but it aches within me when I have to be without them for a long time. Not that I depend on them, but they are the closest friends I have ever had. My brother really grew up over the last six months, from being an annoying kid he became responsible and started to think ahead a bit, and not only do what suited him at the moment and not think of the, too often bad, consequences. My sister is my second half, I don't know what I would do without her. She just knows how to deal with me all the time. We bought jeans together today. It is not until now that I have realised how important my family really is to me. My grandparents have all figured as role models for me in different ways, my uncle is one of few adults that I can confide in about all the issues I might have. My cousins can make me smile whenever. Happiness is not enough to describe the feeling they give me.
Now, time for sleepover with my little sister.
Sunday
Went to the capital. Oh, such a beautiful city that is. Went to the East Asian Museum, and loads of different tools, writings, sculptures and similar. I was rather amazed that they could create things made of glass before we could even master bronze. And now, what China is providing us with is cheap labour. So much that has gone to waste. An amazing history that we just did not take good enough care of. It was like watching this huge treasure that the world just forgot that we had, all the knowledge and development..
Watched Hairspray with my mom, a rather pretty musical and I laughed a lot. Not the best thing I've seen, but definitely worth it. Spent the night at a nice hotel, needed some time with Mamma. We might not really get along all the time, or we communicate in such different ways that we haven't really found the right means to succeed, and I sort of gave up on it.
I was thinking about the concept of God. When reading in Genesis, I got stuck on the part saying "Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."
In our image. I don't know how many that have interpreted that as a physical attribute. What if, it is just saying that we are made to the mental image of God, which would in turn mean that we have the same capability as God, and hence, we are God. It would maybe also explain why using 'us' instead of something in singular. What if it is referring to a collective mind, something that common for all of us, our own divinity. How many times have we heard that "The kingdom of God is within you"? What if it is just that simple, or maybe not simple but as easily accessible? God exists within, because you are divine and part of God.
That is where my thoughts have been lately, I don't expect you to agree but I hope my point is somewhat valid.
.
.Friday
Just came out from the sauna. It is one of my favourite places on this earth. I think so much better there. At the moment I feel like I am in a daze, it is probably a mixture of the wine I drank to dinner and the heat. I am just waiting for someone to call my name so that I can run over to that someone and they can embrace me and hide me in their arms forever. Stability, here I come.
Thursday
Tried to recall that feeling I had when I was younger. It feels like my emotions were much more vivid back then. I remember Fridays, my mom finished work early so she was home so I got home straight after school. Normally she had cleaned the house and made fika for when I returned. I had to walk 200 meters, but I ran most of the time, walking was too time consuming. I got home, and smelled the newly made coffee. I was so happy. I ran in, told her about something such as how there was a monster in the woods behind the school and how someone saw it today and freaked out the rest of the kids. She would smile and ask if I'd seen it. Of course I had not seen it. It turned out to be a sheep dog that had decided to run away from a neighbouring farm, but I did not dare to be in the woods alone.
I remember the first guy I had feelings for. I looked back in my old diaries and dang, I was obsessed. He was a very pretty boy, a bit messy, but in general nice. We got together after some time and held hands and all those other cute things that kids do when they are together at a young age. It was all a mess. But I was so sure I was gonna marry him and move to his farm. We stayed together on and off for four years, then I grew up and grew away from the rest of the farmers.
I live on the countryside, it is very pretty and idyllic, and gossip grows on the fields together with the rest of the crops, but it certainly did not get harvested together. I didn't fit in here. I was interested in debating, I was smart. I knew stuff and I wanted to do new things. I could not succumb to this lifestyle. I changed school. My previous classmates that I had shared the classroom with for seven years stopped talking to me. When I meet them on the bus today, they might nod at me but most of them will just pass me. If I lost something? No, I don't think so. I could never be like them. I could never stand having tractors as the main topic of a conversation. I wanted more. I did definitely expand my horizons. I have seen a lot and talked to people with such amazing stories.
There is something that I do miss from that time though, a solid point. Something, or someone, to rely on. I keep moving around, never stay long enough to develop something deep, I am too restless. I feel rootless, guess that is a part of growing up, but at the moment in would be nice with some safety.
Wednesday
It was so bright outside today, I could barely look outside my window. It was foggy too, which meant that the temperatures were finally at that point where I can jog. I did jog, after spending the day with a friend. A rather intelligent one. He actually made me think a lot. He is not one of those that shows off his intelligence, actually you have to find it. When we are together, all of us, he is the one who makes you laugh and gives of himself. This weekend when we were drinking wine together he learned how to hum - at the age of 19. I am so comfortable around this guy, so I asked him to marry me. We will see what happens with that.
The jog, was amazing. I went out on the road, in the snow. My legs were so happy. My head was even happier. It became darker outside, and everything just flowed. Then I got back and cleaned the house. I guess it was a good day. I will be going back to the US in 7 days. Tomorrow am going to Västerås, and on Saturday am heading towards Stockholm. My mom is taking me to watch a musical, very well needed.
Tuesday
Phobias. I have two major ones, maybe three. The one that is most apparent at the moment is that I am so scared of freezing my toes off. Every time my toes get cold I think they will break off from my feet. The same if someone, of some odd reason, try to pull them. I am so sure that they are going to fall off. It freaks me out. This only concern my toes though, not anyone else's. Now when it's cold, I think about it a lot, and it is so not worth it.
My other one is that I am terrified of wasps. I love animals and insects, normally. When I see an earth worm on the pavement I sit down to watch it, but wasps makes me numb. When I was three, I was stung my a wasp in my neck. My neck got swollen and I did not breathe too well. Since then, I get paralyzed when I hear, or see, a wasp. It is not as apparent now as it was before, but it is one of those things that are rather irrational and not like me.
I have a third one, which I am rather ashamed of and that I would never dare to tell anyone. That is something that so well defines how I work.
I can talk, tell you stories, entertain you a bit, make you comfortable, but I am so scared of sharing things that really concerns myself and who I am. I am positive that people will not be able to accept who I am. That is rather mean of me to judge people like that, but I feel so exposed if I tell people things that are more private. Now, I have to learn my lesson. I am sitting here, and wondering who to talk to, who to lean on when I get back to my new home. Would it be acceptable to tell people about my baggage? Wrong, am I strong enough to do so? Can I trust someone that deep?
Monday
I don't like bathing. I tried today, and I don't like it at all. I just lie there, and I feel so pointless and after counting for how long I can keep my breath around ten times, I do get rather bored. So I decided to paint my nails red. It feels weird, as I never normally do anything to my nails. Or to anything.
Of some reason, I became scared of making myself too unnatural. I don't wear make up on a daily basis. I could never do that as I feel like I am not me. I don't do my nails. I would never dye my hair. At home, this makes me look different. It is not really what the norm would prescribe for me. Sometimes I do wonder if I made the right decision in becoming like this. I want to be able to look the way I do and still feel good about it. I don't. Very often, I feel like I am not trying enough, that I am not making myself look as good as I can. But then I fall back on the most logic statement there is, first that looks are not to be that important and second, it is rather silly to think that what is natural is not enough. Why is it even that important to me? I wish I could answer that. But I guess that the society sort of brought me up like this. It doesn't matter how much I try to deny the manufactured ideals, they are still there in the back of my mind. I would like to be greater than this. Would like to be able to say that I don't care. A future goal of mine I guess.
Sunday
Waking up, not having the motivation to move out of my bed. Smelling something unfamiliar, opening my eyes and there it is, a cup of cafe latte that my father put next to my bed. I apparently forgot to pull down the blind for my window, so my room is bright, no sunshine but a lot of light. I sit up, I can feel my the ache in the back of my head. No, not hung over, just some weird headache that has started occurring every morning since i returned home. Getting out of bed, putting on my woolen socks and take the stairs downstairs. The fireplace is the destination. I stand there with my latte and watch biathlon. My parents talk, but I cannot hear anything. My sister bumps into me, but I cannot respond. I go upstairs again. Crawl down under my two duvets and hide from the world. I try to find away to make myself into anti-matter, but fail epically as expected. I wonder why I cannot project any of my friends into my bed to comfort me. How do I not make a fool of myself? I want to protect myself to all costs, I failed with that too. I would do so much better with less defensive mechanisms in my behaviour, but I just cannot get rid of it.
Saturday
Thank you for all the laughters and all the insight you brought me. All the memories we had, I will cherish them for as long as I live. You did what you could, you fought. It wasn't enough. I am mad that I am the one left here, mad at you for not being with me. But there is nothing left for me to do. I couldn't help you, no one could. If you could see my tears, how heavy I am crying for the loss. It was not your time to leave, not now, not yet.
Egoistic thoughts are filling my head, how am I supposed to move on from this? How can I go on and leave this behind. You will always be more to me than that picture on my wall. But I am going to keep you there. To remind me of everything that meant so much to us.
Friday
Defrosted my grandparents freezer. Just so that they would feel better about giving me money. It is so difficult to see them now, they seem to get so old so fast when I am away. My grandma have started to tell me stories about when she left Germany or when she was a little girl. She told me about her first husband she had in Germany, who she basically married to get money during the war because he had to be in the army and fight for the Nazi's. She told me once again about her long journey to Denmark, where she was in a refugee camp for 5 years, but then she told me about when her mother died. My grandma was 12 at that point, and her dad had no clue of how to take care of kids or himself. My Grandma had to do everything at home, and then he got a new wife and she had to move out from the house to leave room for the new lady's family. Such a Cinderella story, but she still smiles when she tells be about how she used to wash her feet in the lake during the summers, or how the ducklings used to crawl up in her lap when she was napping in the garden. She is turning 90 this year, and she is one of the most positive people that I have ever met. To her I am always the most beautiful person she has ever seen, my brother is the most kind boy she can ever imagine, my father is the best that has happened to my mom and my mom is her pride and joy. She is getting old, and her dementia is becoming more and more apparent. She hates it. I know that if she could, she would take her own life. She has fought her whole life for freedom. She escaped the Nazi's, left the refugee camp, left her employer who was an alcoholic. Came to my town, found refuge and a home. But now age has cut her wings, and it pains me so much to see her suffer. She is so strong, and so beautiful. This should not happen to her, it should end quickly and with more dignity, she deserves that after all the horrible losses that she has faced during her life.
Still, I cannot imagine the day she leaves earth. I will be so devastated. But she will become a star, that much I can promise her. Even if that star will be placed on my ankle, it will be hers.
Thursday
Sitting here in my cold room, thinking about what on earth I am doing with my life. I don't even have a goal. I don't know what it is that I am striving for. Do I want to get rich? Not really, I don't see that far. I wanna make something work better than it does today. I wanna practice what I preach. As if anyone ever does that. It is so easy to have values and morals, but to life after them is so much harder. I wish I was carbon-neutral, and I am openly concerned about the way we treat the environment.. Guess who just flew to Sweden from the US and will fly back there again very soon? I feel like such a hypocrite. Should I blame it on the reason of me trying to be close to my family? I guess so. But to be honest, when I bought those tickets, I didn't spend a second thinking about the environment, rather I thought about how much it would cost and how I could compensate and make ends meet.
I think I am on my way of becoming very idealistic. I actually thought about love today. Maybe I should let go a bit and not be so scared of it. I guess most of us are scared. Scared of being rejected, of being vulnerable. But even when I am assured of some kind of safety, I still rather keep my feelings to myself. I do have a tendency for liking people that I know I will never have to show feelings for. Either because they are out of reach or some other odd reason. Isolation on purpose? You see, I am getting all pathetic.
Wednesday
Cold, but am not complaining. I wanted to jog, but the temperature outside failed to accommodate that so I stayed inside, doing Sudoku and talked to friends. A newfound friend of mine, found a flaw that I have not really recognized until now. I have realised that I occasionally intimidate people, and it has been rather difficult to find out why. First I thought it is because am foreign, and people think that I know more than I do and hence, treats me different. Then I thought that it might be because am determined, and it can be sort of difficult and intimidating to talk and discuss with someone who got pretty firm believes. Then a friend told me a couple o days ago that it might be because I am confident, however that seems a bit silly. Then today another friend said that maybe it is because your attitude towards America. It is so true. I do not have a particularly polite way of talking about America, and if you are a native of this country, I guess it must be rather hard to hear someone else always go on about how much better my country takes care of issues.
At the same time, I feel like I do that as some kind of defense. I am always referred to as being from Sweden. Sure I am from Sweden but I think that I am so much more than that. I am not a walking cultural representative of my country, I have other things to contribute with as well. Being introduced to people as " This is Amelie, she is from Sweden" rather makes me feel like I am an exotic toy on your shelf, which might make you look better in front of your friends, but it labels me. I become the Swede. I wanna be more than than. I wanna be your friend, someone that you want to talk to because what I say make you feel good, I want to be someone that you respect, not just a walking stereotype. I want to be a part of your conversation too, not someone you consult when you want the "European view" on the issue. I want to be involved.
Is it possible to love someone who's culture you are not familiar with? During this break I have tried to see who meant what they said and to whom I had the purpose of an exotic accessory. The Swedish friend became an ornament placed in the Christmas tree, and will be remembered again when it is taken down after the break. Culturally, that is not acceptable to me. I cannot believe that it would be to you either.
Sunday
I went for the first run of the year today. It was pretty awesome I must say, but freaking cold. When I came back inside my face was so warm but my thighs were freezing. However, I felt pretty good about everything and made myself some tea and in the end I was very happy with it. Then, we went to town. We decided to go to the mall because my dad needed to return some stuff, and when we got to the parking lot it was filled up. That is rather odd to happen after the holidays on a Sunday. I started complaining about how bored people must have been to do that, yes I know that is also the reason why my family was there, but when we get inside there is this huge cheering crowd. The Idol winner and the guy who came second were standing on the stage in the middle of the mall surrounding by screaming monster teenagers. They all looked the same. Good thing was, there was no one in the stores so we could walk around and be done with all the shopping quite fast.
When being done with that we went to eat. At the restaurant the waiter, who cannot have been that much older than I am, asked "do the children want ice cream too?" Ok, I mean I was out with my parents, but I am turning freaking 20 soon and I am not a child. I took a bit of offense there. I mean, it is fine to look young and I have come to terms with that, but I do not look that young. I am scared of being one of those that have to show ID when buying liquor at the age of 28. Scary.
My bed is calling. Or my head is calling for my bed.
Saturday
On the bus home now. Feeling quite okay. Will soon start watching a movie. My head is so happy, seeing Stine and Astrid was something that I really needed. Those girls are so important to me. When Stine and I fell asleep last night, I kept thinking about why we could work so well together. We are seemingly different, but I think we share the same values, and she doesn't need me to calm down or just hang out with her. She knows that I will be there, and that we don't need to talk all the time to keep our friendship alive. We watched Bridget Jones, I cannot say that I am a fan. Cannot empathise with her, the movie does not present the character well enough before she gets into all the love drama.
I don't know how many times I have been asked about my love life lately. Or lack thereof I guess I should say. Am I that old? Do I really need to find someone now? My grandparents are the worst. They are convinced that I need a boy. But I guess they also would prefer that I moved back to Sweden, started Swedish university, became a lawyer, started to eat meat and give birth to some kids.
On the other hand, to have someone to care for a bit would not be too bad.
Friday
I will be 20 years old very soon. In 23 days that is. Not good. I am a kid. Or not that much of a kid, I guess I am mentally older than the guy sitting across the table. He is very good at playing guitar though. Oslo is awesome. I loved yesterday. I had so much fun, and all the food and friends. Epic I would say. The pictures are to be found on facebook. They are not all too flattering, but they show fragments of a very good evening. Dinner will soon be ready, and I will go home to Sweden tomorrow. I finished watching Glee today. I need the rest of the season to continue. Now. I have no addiction to adhere to. I have to be obsessed with something or my surrounding will die of my intensity. Oh well. Happy New Year to all of you, I will soon be an old woman.